Tuesday, October 14, 2008


The plants get neglected when it's like this. I can't stop for a moment to remember the things that aren't absolutely necessary. When I do stop, my brain just shuts down. There are things I know I should be doing, but I can't for the life of me remember what they were. My body whispers, "rest..." then screams, "REST!!!"

I have only one life to live... and so I cram it full of life. I don't want to put things off that I may never whirl back around to. The hurricane that is my train of thought barrels past and sometimes bits and pieces get lost in the process. Try as I might, I cannot keep them all in.

Saturday, October 4, 2008


I just looked up through the window in my study here in our new home. Dusk is falling slowly on our sleepy little town. The curtains are drawn back so that the little gray kitty and I can look out at the back yard, and hopefully the rose bushes out this window that came with the house will come to frame it in time, adding a romantic touch to our little patch of earth. The sliver of an autumn moon is rising. She's still out there.

It's comforting to know that she, Luna, is still rising.

Confession: I had my faith in humanity shaken this morning.

My whole life I have always believed that every human being has something redeeming in them. Today, I saw a result of the basest aspects of human nature, and I wonder now, if such a person, who could commit such an atrocity, can have any good in them.

I met a man who breeds horses. He is amazing, gentle, conscientious, soft-spoken... and his breeding program is excellent. His horses are calm and gentle as he is, well conformed, superb specimens of their kind.

Through searching for the best of the breed to add to his program, this man came upon an equine tragedy that has left a lasting wound on my heart, a horse so badly abused that he has literally lost his mind. This horse had been the epitome of what a horse should be, so the man bought him sight unseen. Only when the horse arrived at the property did they realize that it had been broken so badly it could never be repaired. This gorgeous animal had been destroyed by someone trying, through every inhumane technique imaginable, to win a prize.

My eyes fill with tears, even as I type, thinking about the kind of torture that can leave such a lasting mark on an animal. It has been nearly 20 years since that horse came to live with the man I met today. He cares for it and provides for all its needs and it still mutilates itself, thrashing and screaming at the gentlest of human contact because of the torture it went through.

I can't comprehend what could lead a human being to press the boundaries of its own humanity and torture one of God's creatures that way... it is inexcusable to me... unforgivable... and fury rises from my chest, burning in my throat and stinging my eyes.

It takes divine grace, more than I have in my own broken heart, to overcome that kind of evil. I can't reconcile it in my mind. I reach out to heaven to ask for justice, and find myself confronted with mercy, and the need to break my heart again to understand it... God help me understand your mercy.

The only hope I find is in the compassion of the man who has taken this animal in, who cares for it even though he knows any efforts to rehabilitate the horse would be in vain. One day maybe I will be able to walk that path, not seeking to be vindicated for injustices done to me or to other innocents, not even seeking a triumphant end to suffering (because one does not always exist), but quietly seeking to offer mercy to those who need it desperately.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The moon, huh?

To quote a favorite author of mine, "the moon is always female." She's something I rarely look at anymore. Sometimes she seems so far away. I'm always focused on the ground, trying not to trip while I'm walking, only looking at the step in front of me.

But that's where I'm going. That's the metaphorical goal... the moon. After pondering my blog entry yesterday I realized that the big picture, the moon, is good for the soul. She reminds you, me, us, that we're on a journey somewhere, hopefully somewhere we WANT to go. If not, maybe it's time to change direction.

It's easy to get lost in the details, the politic day-to-day "to-do's". Slowly I drown in self-pity and narcissism as I forget why I started off on this journey in the first place. So many things that are "good" may not be taking us in the right direction, or may even be going in the right direction, but then begin to steal focus from the passion that gave us direction at first.

It's easy to be busy and to find excuses not to look at her. But she's always there, even if a cloud obscures my view.

Tonight... maybe even while I'm listening to the debate... I think I'll take time to look up... contemplate that silver orb who so encapsulates my dreams.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Character building

I am here... that phrase just floated through my consciousness... a bit of worship... I am here.

I had a character-building episode during the past 7 days. It was a bit of a shock for me, actually. I mean, I have "impeccable" character, right? Right....

This week I found myself faced with a choice that I don't like to have to make. I had to choose a direction, for better or worse, for my "career". I'm still not convinced I have a career... but as of Monday, I have more of one than I have ever had before.

I know what you're thinking. How can a lowly admin assistant be so full of herself as to believe she has "a career"? I've never considered myself a career person. It's not that I don't work, it's just that I never cared what direction my work took. I'm flexible. I can do anything, be anything, learn... just about anything. It's a chameleon personality that has worked well for me my whole life. I take whatever opportunity falls in my lap and don't question it. It's a gift, right?

Well this week an opportunity fell in my lap... and thanks to my wonderful husband's faith in me and his knowledge of my passions and abilities... I did NOT take that opportunity. Better pay... who needs it? Management opportunity... not interested!

You have to understand how HARD this is for me. I always opt for security, and usually don't press to live up to my potential. It's too risky. I've grown to accept mediocrity grudgingly.

But this week was a turning point. Instead of taking a better job in a career path that I would grow tired of, let's face it, before I had been in it 9 months, I chose to remain in an assistant role with a group that wants to encourage my abilities and highlight my skills in an area of work I've always wanted to pursue.

Eggs in one basket? Yep. Birds in a bush? Probably. But the chances are pretty high that if I never shoot for my dreams I'll never attain them. So... one tiny step at a time... I'm on my way to the moon.