Monday, February 2, 2009

Memory Lane

Some people are probably deliberate about their posts. Most likely they plan out exactly what they are going to say, well crafted, articulate. I blog like I live my life... by the seat of my pants, straight from the hip, into the wind... I can't do it any other way. I apologize if you find me hard to follow.

For some time now... I'd say a good 4 months or so... I've been catching up with old acquaintances on Facebook. I'm utterly amazed at how many random people from my past keep cropping up in unexpected places. It's the miracle of the age of social media, I guess. (I could digress here, but I'm going to try to stay on topic.) I've been on Facebook a while now, and, as typical with any technology, now that the star is fast burning out finally the "main stream" is beginning to catch on to the trend. More and more people keep cropping up.

There are those I am so overjoyed to reconnect with, and those that I choose to ignore, and those that choose to ignore me. Whatever, be well and happy... we're all on to the next stage of life anyways.

And yet, I find that the more people I hear of, see through other friends' photographs, catch snippets of reminisces from... the more depressed I become. Out of the fog of my past comes this memory that... I HATED high school... I was MISERABLE, lonely, depressed, and had no self-esteem. I mean, I had friends... but I'm remembering how utterly uncool I was, how much of a fringe kid, how awkward and unaccepted. Even my best friends had better friends than me.

I'm not sure what kept me from really engaging in life during that time, but I think I spent most of my childhood in an imaginary world. I don't really have many memories, souvenirs of my past to look back on. What is so terrible about that now is that I'm reminded of it through my total absence in most of the pictures that my childhood friends are posting. Granted, there are still a few out there... pretty sure I'm not a vampire, I show up in photographs and can see myself in mirrors.

I find myself sad, wishing that I was a bigger part of someone's happy memories of their youth. And yet... I don't think I'm even a part of my own memories. My heart aches for the lost years of my life.

The thing is, so much has happened in my life since then. I moved across country. I came out of my shell and connected with myself and with others. I found a wonderful man who loves me for all the stupidness and awkwardness that is me. I'm by no means a person who loves myself and accepts all people no questions asked... but I'm closer than I was before.

So I'm disconcerted by the way that seeing everyone else remembering how fun high school was and what dorks we all were then makes me want to curl up in a ball and never speak to anyone again. We're all SO ON to the next phase in our lives. What is it that I'm not letting go of?


  1. I think that what you fail to realize is that you are such a tremendously special, amazing, beautiful and unique person that it takes someone with a very discerning eye to spot the wonder and beauty that is Elisabeth right off the bat. Very, very few 14-18 year olds have that ability. I feel extremely lucky that the universe opened my eyes to you that first day at YHC (and that somehow it made this usually shy girl unafraid to "stalk" you into friendship).

  2. mac,
    I totally know what you mean about Facebook. Thanks for articulating some of what I've felt as I see who comes up. I don't really enjoy living in the past, and have found myself being choosy about who is on my list of "friends"...maybe you can do a blog post about how the term friend is used/misused on Facebook?

  3. You're right, Lindsay. I'll give it some thought.

  4. I feel like I have to qualify a statement I made... I have been on Facebook longer than 4 months... I've been on for more like 2 1/2 or 3 YEARS... it's only in the last 3 or 4 months that a lot of the "old crowd" have been finding me.

  5. I kinda know how you feel...I have a number of facebook "friends" from highschool that I never really even talked to during those years. And honestly, I don't know if they want to befriend me just to add to their numbers or because they have finally realized what they've been missing. :-) But know this, the real tragedy is that the people who wrote you off in high school were missing out just as much (probably more) than you were...and whereas you are realizing it and grieving it, they are still oblivious and shallow. If you must be sad, be sad for them. Because today, which is the only day that really counts, you have friends that love you dearly and count you among their top blessings in life.

  6. Just so you know...I have always considered you one of my VERY BEST and truest friends,(and still do, in spite of time and distance). I hated high school too...but having you for a friend made it so much more bearable. You're a rare gem, Liz. I'm glad you're starting to see that for yourself ;-)

  7. Maggie, I feel the same way about you. You have always been close to my heart, and I hate that there is so much distance between us. Thanks for your love and encouragement.

  8. Sweet Elizabeth, I wouldn't have survived high school (even the drama of MYF) without friends like you. I think that, at times, you and I found our niches in different groups. But you are on a very short list of people I think about when those *rare* fond MHS memories bubble up to the surface of my memory. High school was tough, I think, for anyone who had the foresight to realize that the best was still yet to come. That the four painful, awkward years between childhood and adulthood wasn't as good as it gets. I feel sorry for anyone who looks back on their time in high school as their glory days. But I am so thankful to have been able to take the best part of high school (my few friends like you) forward in life with me. Like Margaret said, time and distance (even infrequent correspondence) haven't changed how much I love you. These are our glory days. And if we lived closer, you'd be sick of seeing yourself in my Facebook pictures.

    And yes, I am clueless and didn't realize you had a blog until today. :)

  9. Ah the drama of MYF... I'm glad you found my blog, Beth. I wish we lived closer together. I'd love laughing with you and watching your gorgeous kids grow up. Thanks for your love and encouragement.

  10. and i just realized I spelled your name wrong. DOH! some friend I am!


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