Thunderstorms on Wednesday

It's almost 11 in the morning and I'm sitting in the dark... yes, you read that right. It's dark here this morning as thunderstorms grumble across the countryside. Lori, Tag and I only got a little bit wet as we ended our morning hike through Town Forest... the rain made the woods more magical, whispering on the trees. Tag was aquiver with excitement as squirrels and chipmunks darted across the path, seeking shelter from the coming storm. And now at home, with the sound of the rain coming through the open windows, it is so peaceful here.

Procrastination

I have a sickness. It's called "procrastination". I spend far too much time putting things off, not enough time actually following up on ideas/projects/creations... It's Thursday and I haven't posted at all this week! I have hiked every day... and read books every day... and knitted a little and cooked some... and here are some photos I took when I was in the city on Saturday, before it started raining.

Gargoyles! 

a butterfly net :)

check out these shoes!!!

I'd tell you I love New York City... and I do, I love the vibrancy, the food, the art beat... but I think my favorite part of the City is Central Park... and so I always feel like I'm cheating a bit... saying I love the City... because the Park is sort of... well a park :) if that makes sense.

I'm hoping that in the next few weeks I'll learn something more about what motivates me so that I can move forward... maybe finish a few things.

Peaceful Morning

Heron fishing

I love the mornings. Of course, that is probably because I don't have to get up and go to work every morning. I might avoid them then, mornings. But on my own schedule (or more truthfully, on the cats' schedule) I so enjoy rising while the sun is and listening to the songs of the birds as they greet the new day.

The water is flat on the pond this morning except for the occasional ripple of a giant carp hunting for bugs or for a mate. The heron in the photo I took today has flown to the other side of the water in protest of my presence. We are intruders, the dog and I. But we sit quietly, take in the morning magic.

The Summer "To-Do" List (aka Blogfest 2011!)

I've got my mug of coffee. I've got my mood music (this morning it's Ingrid Michaelson and Marie Digby). The laptop is humming. The cats and dog have had breakfast (so as to keep them out of my hair). My goals are listed in a journal on the counter next to me... and I hesitate...

The idea of Blogfest 2011 (as hosted by one Bess Weatherby via her own blog) is for those of us willing participants to list our summer goals (creative/writing/etc.) on our own blogs and find encouragement through forming our own little cyber community. A super awesome idea. I always work better when I voice my goals, thus making myself accountable to reaching them... If I keep my goals to myself, I have no one to disappoint but myself.

You see my dilemma?

I spent a few minutes the other week and put goals down in a journal with Blogfest in mind. As I look at those goals now, I'm a little frightened by the ambitious nature of some/all of them! Can I accomplish ANY of these goals this summer? Hmmm... are you expecting me to accomplish them? Am I expecting myself to accomplish them? If I just don't tell you about them, then we never have to know! I can come back at the end of the summer and list off anything I did accomplish without the added pressure of measuring up to a list... much more free form... surely accountability is overrated... that list is arbitrary anyhow...

Except that... I made that list. I wrote down those goals weeks ago. And if I'm honest I probably already scaled down my expectations before I put those goals on paper... so what would be the point of obliterating my expectations altogether except to give me no reason to fail...

Right on cue, the morning soundtrack offers up my summer anthem :) "Unfold" by Marie Digby. (video and lyrics at the end of this post)... And I find the strength to put those goals out there for you all to see. Here's hoping I accomplish something this summer!

Goals for my summer: Blogfest 2011

1. More blog posts! Right now I'm at about a post a week and it's mostly autobiographical (i.e. what I did this week). I'd like to up that to at least 2 posts a week. Likely I'll still wax autobiographical, but I would like to spend some time postulating on theories/ideas/current events in at least one of those posts. I'd also like to include at least one new photo for each post (whether or not it is relevant to the post :)).
2. Finish the first draft of novel #1 and begin re-write... because it will have to be rewritten. I have stalled and I really really really want to get this project off my plate (i.e. in editable form) so that I can just MOVE ON!!!
3. Outline novel #2 so that it does not become the directionless black hole that its predecessor has become. It's really a good idea. It just needs to be mapped out so that I can take it there.
4. Submit all or part of novel #2 for a writing workshop to get fine tuning/advice. (this goal may not be accomplished this summer specifically, because the deadlines for workshops are not known...)
5. Photo at least 2 clients (and by clients I mean people who are not just friends whom I take candid shots of while hanging out) for a portfolio.
6. Target a photo contest to enter... just for the fun of it.
7. Hike every day (even as I write this, I know it is overly ambitious, and that some days I will not feel like hiking... and that's ok... but I need to get outside to have a clear head.... so my goal in saying "Hike every day" is to get me to get outside!!! with the dog... and my camera).
8. Make a new friend. (I moved a year ago and I still don't know anyone in our new hometown. Partly I've become a hermit and needed the time for self-reflection... but... I need to branch out a little, I recognize :).

Now to go about accomplishing these goals. Here's hoping you'll come back and remind me to keep chipping away. Encouragement is underrated!

Going for a hike now :)




Lyrics:
What I can remember
Is a lot like water
Trickling down a page
Of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my finger
Down on the moment
That I became like this...

You see I am the bravest girl
You will ever come to meet
Yet I shrink down to nothing
At the thought of someone
Really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around
And tangled up in winding weeds

But I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet
Are trembling
And every word I say I'm stumbling
I will bare it all, watch me unfold
Unfold, unfold

These hands that I hold
Behind my back are
Bound and broken
By my own doing
And I can't feel
Anything anymore
I need a touch to remind me
I'm still real
Oh no...

I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet
Are trembling
And every word I say I'm stumbling
I will bare it all, watch me unfold
Unfold, unfold, unfold...

Unfold, unfold...

My soul
It's dying to be freed
You see.. I can't live the rest of my life
So guarded
It's dying to be freed
It's up to me to choose
What kind of life I'd lead

'Cause I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet
Are trembling
And every word I say I'm stumbling
I will bare it all... watch me unfold
Unfold, unfold, unfold, unfold...

Unfold, unfold...

I will allow someone to love me...
I will allow someone to love me...
Love me, love me...

Blogfest cometh...

It's nearly here! Blogfest 2011!

Are YOU ready? If you're interested, you can find more information here.

In other news, I have been both productive and not productive these past days. Lots of baking in the kitchen (quinoa and lentils... a new favorite dish), reading (I am blasting through Harry Potter again... I know I know, but the LAST movie is coming out soon and, as I have stated earlier, I am a re-reader. I can't help it.), knitting (I finished the sweater and have been practicing cable knitting with a scarf. It's pretty and I like it :))... but little writing, painting, drawing, or photography.

The sweater!

I did manage to pull the camera out this past weekend. Noah and I took a long weekend away in the Catskills for Memorial Day. It was our anniversary trip, a little late since I left for the British Isles the day after our anniversary last month. It was a lovely weekend away, no internet, no cell phones... just quiet... well... it would have been quiet if there hadn't been so many FROGS! It was great listening to them sing all night and all day. I didn't mind.

The cabin we stayed at had ponds and a stream, and lots of grassy areas for Tag to chase his frisbee (and his Noah). Noah read and played his banjo. I took long naps. We were all so relaxed and rested that we didn't want to leave when the time came.

The cabin

the dock

Frisbee!

Herding that pesky Noah back home

Banjo time!

Back on the home front, I've got a few things growing :) Here are some pictures of the back yard this season... cucumbers and tomatoes, wildflowers sprouting under the bird feeder, and a dragonfly. It's shaping up to be a lovely summer.

Cucumbers sprouting!

Tomatoes flowering!

Those are wildflowers under the bird feeder, not weeds!

I'm almost through building this hutch to go over my tomato plants and protect them from the pesky squirrels.

That's right, folks! It's Blog Award time!

Wheeeee! I've got another blog award :) That makes me happy! Why? Because it means people are ACTUALLY READING these posts! Also, it makes me a little stressed... because people are actually reading these posts!!! What must you all be thinking?

But enough of that! Now on to the fun part! The award :)

Thanks a heap to my friend Julie over at her blog, rosewood pencil box., for giving me this award. She's a wonderful writer, a delightful friend and I enjoy following along with her on-line musings. You should all go visit her blog right now, say hi, and laugh at her jokes.

Now I'll perform the feat of mental gymnastics required to give you seven little known facts about me (that are different from the seven you got with the last award...)

Hmmmm...

1. I am a re-reader, and a re-watcher... if there is a story I like... and sometimes if there is a story I'm not sure I liked/understood, but that I feel like I should have liked/understood... I will revisit it many times. In fact, I try to absorb the story's characters, motifs, soundtrack (even books have a virtual soundtrack in my mind), everything I can about it. Some people find this habit amusing, others find it dull (if you already know what's going to happen, why bother, right?)... what can I say? It's that part of me that loves escapism in movies and literature...

2. I love movies with a heroine named Eli(s/z)abeth in them. And there are precious few, believe you me. The main movies I love with heroines named Eli(s/z)abeth are Pride and Prejudice (the BBC one with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth. If you've never seen this, put it in your Netflix queue RIGHT NOW. I'm not kidding.) and the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy (Number 3, At World's End, is my favorite of those. Number four was a predictable let-down. It also did NOT have "Will" and "Elizabeth" in it).

3. I am incapable of being late. I mean... it's not a complete impossibility, but if I am late it usually has to do with circumstances outside my control... and results in me having a moderate to severe anxiety attack. I have tried to be late before... when this happens, I usually arrive at my destination EXACTLY on time... or 2 minutes early. Seriously, can't be late.

4. I don't like to share food. Actually, this is an urban legend. I don't mind sharing food. I just don't like sharing ... shall we say... unexpectedly.

5. Loosely related to number four... I love cooking for people. I think it's because I love having people in my house and making them feel at home. I greatly enjoy making way too much food and making sure everyone has eaten as much as they possibly can, with the left overs wrapped up for them to take home. I so much want people to enjoy what I make for them to eat that I will do a practice run on new recipes that I want to try before I feed them to people (unless you're Noah and Lori, and then you just have to suffer through the taste test... not too many duds yet, though).

6. I have a journal collection. You may be thinking to yourself, "She's a writer. Typical." But no... I don't have a collection of completely filled journals. I have a collection of journals that I have written a few pages in and then forgotten about (i.e., put on a shelf and not continued with). I have to audibly tell myself not to buy them when I'm in bookstores... or any place journals are sold. People around me probably think I'm crazy... and they're probably right. I think it's the unrealized potential of the blank pages in a prettily bound book that makes me desire them so. And it's the sting of having some unknown psycho actually read and leave written comments in them ( happened. broke into my room during college orientation, ransacked it and defaced my journal) that has kept me from actually being able to stick to writing in one since then. But I so want to... so I keep buying them... and hoping that one day I'll write in them again.

7. I like tofu. Never thought I'd actually say that... I mentioned in the last blog award list that I'm vegetarian. Have been for over a year... and I now regularly eat and enjoy tofu. :)

I have only started following a few new blogs in the past months. Of those, only two would likely receive/respond to this award. Of those, one (rosewood pencil box.) just presented me with this award. :) So that leaves one more.

Science and life and a small bucket of crazy... is a blog by a woman I greatly admire. She's a brilliant scientist, an awesome mom, and a talented horsewoman. I met her when she jumped in to fill an instructor role for my beginning riding class at UC Davis. She's a great teacher, and though we live on opposite sides of the continent now I'm glad to call her a friend. Make sure you stop by her blog and say hi.

(For a list of blogs I noted last time, see here.)

Alrighty then... off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday... I'm thinking nap. You?

Demon slaying

Something has been bothering me the past week or so, and I thought I'd just get it out there... see how other people react to what I have to say. Maybe I'm over reacting, but I'm so over that right now...

If you know me very well, you probably know that since I was young I have wanted to be a writer (also, a vet, a dolphin trainer, a horse breeder, a dog trainer, a  missionary, ... this list could be long). But seriously, I started creating stories in elementary school. I have a love for literary escapism that is seconded only by my love for my husband and the life I'm making with him... and it's a tough battle for that top spot. :)

About a year ago, Noah took a job that has allowed me the liberty to practice the craft I've been so eager to spend every waking second on. I really can't mention enough how amazing that is... to be given this opportunity to just be and to pursue my dreams... to figure out what those dreams are, even.

The thing is, it's been hard! The most consistent work I have done towards that dream of being a writer happened in November. November was a fantastic month (NaNoWriMo) when I got a LOT of copy written on a novel idea I've had since High School. (No seriously, I have the original spiral notebook, complete with pencil sketches) But it was tiring and frustrating as it was motivating, because I realized some things about my original manuscript, and about my own personal character that have made this particular work a challenge (no, sorry, not going to detail either of those realizations). I am determined to complete it, though... if for no other reason than to put it to bed and move on.

But...

Someone tried to poke a hole in my ambition the other day by telling me that maybe I just wasn't suited to writing because it takes too much effort. And... that really bugs me. Because, as an American I've been raised to believe that I can do anything I put my mind to... in some ways I don't actually agree with that tenet of our society. If we could all be famous or geniuses at something we would all be ordinary... a self-defeating tenet it is that... But! If the journey is the object, then I think anyone willing to fail and try hard to do something they love or deeply desire to do should be encouraged to reach for their dreams.

Ok. So. Writing is not so easy for me right now. I don't wake up brimming with ideas and passion so searing that I have no choice but to sit down and pound out my innermost thoughts, creating fantasy and/or real worlds that I can't keep inside any longer. I think it's a flaw in my own character. A flaw that has made me somewhat reticent... which is not good for my writing mojo.

image borrowed from here.

That said, just because it's super hard for me right now does NOT mean that I should not be doing it... that because it doesn't come easy for me it's not what I'm meant to do. I refuse to believe that! I refuse to let go of the dream. Sure there are other things that come more easily to me. And instead of sitting here in front of a blank screen with a blinking cursor I will spend time on those things as well... to try and face the demons from an oblique angle. No point in beating my head against the wall.

But don't tell me it's just not for me... don't insult me by pointing out that my star is not shining as brightly as the rest. Because, baby, it's Shining. Period. And I'll make do with that for now.