NaNo day 18... 35,000 by the end of the day **UPDATED**

I'm gonna get there :) Ambitious goal for the day, but I'm already over 31,000, so I think I can do it.

In the meantime, listen to this song... theme song for the novel... (lyrics below)

**UPDATED** just in case you wondered... I hit 35,095 today... and created a new character. She adds so much depth to the story! And she's just a minor thing...

Swim Until You Can't See Land - by Frightened Rabbit

We salute at the threshold of the North Sea

in my mind

And a nod to the boredom that drove me here

to face the tide and swim

(Whoaaaa) I swim (Whoaaa) oh swim (Whoaaa)

Dip the toe in the ocean. Oh how it hardens and it numbs.

And the rest of me is a version of man

built to collapse into crumbs

And if I hadn’t come down

To the coast to disappear

I may have died in a land-slide

Of the rocks, the hopes and fears.

So swim until you can’t see land.

Swim until you can’t see land.

Swim until you can’t see land

Are you a man or are you a bag of sand?

Swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Are you a man or are you a bag of sand?

Up to my knees now, do I wait? Do I dive?

The sea has seen my like before though it’s my first

And perhaps last time.

Let’s call me a baptist, call this the drowning of the past

She’s there on the shoreline

Throwing stones at my back

So swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Are you a man or are you a bag of sand?

Swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Are you a man or are you a bag of sand?

Now the water’s taller than me

And the land is a marker line

All I am is a body adrift in water, salt and sky

So swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Are you a man or are you a bag of sand?

Swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Swim until you can’t see land

Are you a man or are you a bag of sand?

It's the 16th and I'm at 28,389 words written

I just found this fantastic app on-line called Write or Die by Dr. Wicked. It is a customizable app that lets you pick a word count, a time limit, and consequences for missing your goals and then encourages you to type like the wind and meet those goals. I wrote 4500 words today! First in 500 words in 15 minute chunks, and then 800 words in 20 minutes... I surpassed even my own expectations and now I'm a day ahead of the word count. The scenes are all out of sync and there are still large holes in the plot, but everything fits together pretty well and, thanks to another fun piece of software called Scrivener (please refrain from the Melville references here), rearranging scenes and getting things to flow more naturally will be much easier when editing time comes.

I'm super excited and hoping to get even MORE ahead tomorrow.

How are the rest of you doing?

picture from http://forestofthefaie.ning.com/group/selkies

NaNo Day 13 was yesterday... 21,670

"Gus shook his head, like a man waking up from a dream, and headed toward the light, full of joy at discovering that the world was such a wide place and he got to share in it."

 

NaNo day 10... **UPDATED**

*Updated at the end*

I'm posting this early... by this evening I will have reached 16,666+ words. I will! I only have 266 words left to write today to get there... and that's after having already written 2,374 words to get to this point. I'm impressed with myself at least, even if no one else really cares :)

Yay NaNo and Yay motivation!

image borrowed from

http://www.cheesebikini.com/2003/08/11/mermaid-wave/

**Update!**
I am up to 16,731 words :) And it feels good baby ;)

Nano Day 8... and... Hey, Blogger Friends!

I know I know, we're on day 9 now, but I tried to post this last night and the photos wouldn't load... so... I'm posting it now. And I'm not revising it. You'll just have to deal with it.

So it's day 8. Yep that's right... only 8 days in. :) 22 more to go! By this point in the process, if you are keeping a steady pace, you should have 13,333 words written for NaNoWriMo. And I DOOooo! I have 13,370 to be precise. I'm keeping pretty close to the daily amount of 1,667... not over taxing myself, making sure to rest. Well, except for yesterday. Yesterday I wrote 2,800+ words in a crazed effort to catch up from Sunday. "What happened Sunday?" you ask?

Well, I went to the City. What's that? Oh, what did I do there? I saw Quidditch practice taking place while walking through Central Park, for one thing.

No really.

See??? Brooms and hoops and everything!!!

 Then I went to the New York City Marathon with none other than the FABULOUS Julie Maughon, over at rosewood pencil box. She was in town because her husband is a super marathon runner and was competing in the race. We got a good spot by the route around mile 24 and waited for Josh to run by.

If all these runners look like they are in extreme pain, that's because they have already run 24 MILES and still have 2 left to finish. We never did see Josh, although apparently he passed right by us. At a few instances large packs of people walked/ran past us and we can only assume he was lost in the mix.

Yay Josh for finishing a marathon!

Here's Julie at Bethesda Fountain in Central Park

 After the marathon, we met BESS from It's the world, dear. Did you expect it to be small? (Ha ha... is that really the title of your blog Bess? Or is it just bessweatherby.com?) Either way, it was great meeting Bess. And kind of fortuitous, actually. Julie and I had both won a contest on her blog recently, so Bess brought us our prizes (copies of The Plot Whisperer by Martha Alderson).

Here are a few pictures of us from the end of the day. They're dark because darned if that time change doesn't just sneak up on you!

Julie is laughing like that because Bess and I had to crouch
to be the same height as her :) Yay short people!

It was a fun day! And now I'm back to work again. Headed to the City tonight to see my aunt and uncle play their music! So I have a lot of work to do before then!

taken from http://fisticuffsinthedark.tumblr.com/

Weekend writer blues and Lori is back, Yay!

It's really not so bad, I guess... but weekend writing can be the pits! Everyone is hanging around and waiting to do something fun... and I have to make my quota. Don't get me wrong, I did it... but boy I was unhappy about it today. I wanted to do ANYTHING else... I even contemplated cleaning the bathroom to get out of writing! Eh... but...

8,374 down and 41,626 to go! I am sure I can do this... I mean... I know I can :)

Here are some Halloween pictures to make you laugh :) The ones of me and Lori are from today. Since the power was out last week and Noah worked late that day, we dressed up today.

Tag was a Shark this year! Scary!!!!

For me, Halloween is just a reason to wear
face paint and a ridiculous turquoise ball
gown. Lori is actually wearing a cute costume :)

And one last picture from the internets...

NaNo day 3, whoopee!

I'm happy to say I'm 5000+ words down and going strong. I love "pantsing" this novel, because I'm getting so much more out of it than I thought I would... already! I KNOW! Characters are cropping up and plots that I hadn't counted on... now if I can manage to keep up this very steady pace I'll be pretty pleased. Who knows where we'll end up?

Also, I wrote a scene today that really stretched me. I won't go into detail, suffice it to say it was horror-esque... and I danced around it and didn't really commit. I'm not satisfied with it yet, but... that's what the editing process is for!

Ok... it's very late, and I've spent far too long playing Plants vs. Zombies again (my reward for making my count).

Go go NaNo buddies Go! You can do this!

"Slowly swimming out to sea, Sirenetta felt that there on

the beach she had left behind something she could never

bring herself to forget." 

The Little Mermaid - Hans Christian Andersen,

painting by Eduard DuLac

NaNoWriMo and a snow storm

Ok, so those cool pictures I posted in the snow? Yeah... We got slammed! There were 8 inches on the ground of wet, heavy snow... and in the trees... and on the wires... The power went out for the second time this year. It was NOT a piece of cake... I mean, we were better prepared for how to handle it than last time, but... (and this is for you California folks who don't know about snow) it's COLD when it snows! So we were without power/heat/water for a total of 36 hours... 3 nights... I was bundled in so many layers I couldn't bend my knees! And never took my hat off... even when I was sleeping.

So here I am once again singing the praises of electricity... running water and central heat never felt so good!

Now on to NaNo. It's day one! The excitement is a-crackle in the air... and I've made my quota of words for the day (hence the blog posting). I think this one has potential... at least in the way of me finishing it and being happy with it, not struggling with it and beating it to death like the last one. Yay!

A big shout out to all my writing buddies who are furiously scribbling away. May the writing fairies be with you.

He must have died if the little mermaid had not come to his rescue -
The Little Mermaid, by Hans Christian Andersen Painting by Edmund Dulac

NaNoWriMo cometh!

Next week, I and others like me will begin scribbling furiously to meet the 30 day deadline of 50,000 words that is NaNoWriMo. For me, this will be one of the most productive months out of the year. I work o, so well with a deadline... something to aspire to...

In preparation for that literary frenzy, what am I doing now? Outlining? Pre-planning? Plot-mapping? Oh no! I'm stockpiling books to read... which is somewhat helpful... because they will give me inspiration by either being lovely and enjoyable or hideous and horrible (something to aspire to... or to aspire to be better than...) (for a complete reading list, just ask me). I'm also trying to a)start and complete creative projects that may distract me next month otherwise... and b) refrain from starting and NOT completing creative projects that will MOST DEFINITELY distract me next month. I'm convincing myself to hold off on beginning the quilt I just bought fabric and a pattern for... but I AM working on a new painting inspired by Hawaii and my love for dolphins (oh, did you not know that about me yet?). It's definitely a work in progress:

I'm also planning to go to the NaNoWriMo kick-off party for my region. This is somewhat intimidating on a number of levels... 1. I'm decidedly introverted now... and worried that they won't like me or I won't be able to connect to them at all (they being those writers that are also attending this party). 2. The "You're not a REAL writer" monster has been roaring rather loudly every time I consider mentioning that I'm a writer... and he scares me! 3. (suspect this is a byproduct of the aforementioned monster) What if I meet them and we're all geared up to write 50,000 words and then I completely fail and don't meet the goal? Or worse... what if I DO meet the goal and the whole thing sucks??

Ugh.

If anybody has a muzzle for my monster, would you please send it to me ASAP? Thanks.

Inklings

I'm getting ready for NaNoWriMo. The month of November has been reserved for the writing of 50,000 words of a story that I'm not even sure is that long. I'd like to think it is... I just re-read the tiny bit that I wrote when I had the idea... and it could be good. The characters are distinct, strong... and the basic story line is healthy...

Photo credit: Noah Kauffman

It's the implementation that I'm worried about. Last year I did 30,000 words to finish out a novel idea I have had since high school... and now that it's done, I'm not sure what it is... but at least it's done. I read somewhere in the comments of the "blogiverse" that "the writing is in the editing"... so maybe when I start editing that one it will find its shape better.

For this one... I dunno, this one is special, and I'd like to see it turn into something I can show people... that I can be proud of.

I worry too much... as evidenced by the fact that it's after 2 a.m. and I'm still awake.

So as the month of October draws to a close, as my blood tries to thicken against the cold New England winter that approaches... my characters will be seeking shelter from the harsh North Sea... and all the dread power that she wields.

NaNoWriMo is 6 weeks away!

First, a BIG thanks for all the positive feedback on my little short from last week. I am so thrilled that you all liked it so much! No, I'm not telling who is in the casket... that's a story that will have to wait for another time... like... after NaNoWriMo...

Eek! I only have 6 weeks to get my act together on my new WIP for National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo). I have a lot going on before then.

I need to get an outline together this time. I want to KNOW where this story is going... at least hypothetically at first... so that I can make an effort to get there. It's a good idea, it just needs some *Ooomph*.

And I'm going to Yellowstone this week! I'm so excited! I've never been to Yellowstone... and since Lori is working there until the end of the month, I thought I'd take the opportunity to see one of the nation's most amazing parks. Oh man. Here we go! There will be tons of pictures that come out of that venture, I hope.

Speaking of this week... On Wednesday (the day I leave for Yellowstone) Emily Suess will announce who the top 10 finalists are for her writing contest from Writers' Week last week. We are all waiting with bated breath... well, at least all of us who entered are. The rest of you could probably care less. But! You should care! There will be on-line voting to determine the winners starting on September 26th. YOU can help decide which entry gets the grand prize.

Dad and Mary in Brooklyn with us for a morning.

I'm not even saying you should vote for me. How could I? We don't even know who the finalists are. But there is some great talent out there, and it deserves your attention. So take some time... visit the writing contest page and check out these entries. Then, if you have time, on September 26th vote for your favorite piece to win.

Ahhh... I'm off now to work on a couple things I need to get done before I leave on Wednesday morning... but first to take the pup for a hike.

Writers' week writing contest entry!

This is my entry for the Writers' Week writing contest:

Just Breathe

"You'd be much more attractive if you'd smile more," my mother nagged, stopping in front of me to straighten my collar and brush a molecule of dust from my skirt, which was far too wrinkly to give away any dust or lint. I sucked in a sharp breath of frustration, held it, and counted to three.

"It's a funeral, ma," I said, rolling my eyes. "We're not supposed to smile." I was sweating profusely, even in the sleeveless black dress I had borrowed from Abby. The mid-summer heat was oppressive.

Mother pursed her lips irritably and pretended she hadn't heard me. "You know, the Jergins's youngest, Bobby, just got back from a tour of duty in Iraq. He'll probably be here today."

"Ma," I pulled my head away from her hand as she reached out to brush my hair out of my eyes. "I used to babysit Bobby. Also, he might not be so keen on me once he hears my political views, or sees my tattoo." I headed up the walk to the funeral home again. Mother followed briskly.

"I've already explained to the Jerginses that you had no idea what that horrible man was tattooing on your body and that you're having it removed as soon as possible."

I stopped abruptly, eyes wide. "What?"

"Well, how do you expect to find a decent husband anywhere with THAT tattooed across your body?" Mother turned away from me and waved at another couple approaching the funeral home.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and walked away again. Almost there. Ten more steps to hell, but at least I wouldn't have to listen to her carry on anymore.

"Welcome, welcome. Thank you for coming," said the ancient doorman. "The Stevenson/Everrett memorial is just down this way. May I take your coat?"

I blinked at the wizened old man curiously. "It's a hundred degrees out."

"Very well. Very well. Right this way, please." He tottered off down the hall. The door closed with a loud WHUMP behind me, causing a giant cloud of dust to rise out of the decades old carpet. I followed him along the dimly lit corridor, painfully self-conscious of my body in a dress, made all the more awkward by the two sizes too big combat boots I insisted on wearing as part of my funeral garb, just to give my mother heart palpitations. Whatever.

I held my breath as I entered the room the doorman showed me to, partly out of anticipation of the waiting crowd of people, and partly to hold off the "old person smell" that I knew would accost me the moment I faced them. With a rustle of whispered sound, I watched as people milled around the rows of seats, giving sympathetic nods to one another, compassionately gripping each others' shoulders or hands.

I stood there in the doorway somewhat reluctantly, the aged doorman swaying beside me like an autumn leaf. "Uh, thanks," I said, nodding at him and clearing my throat. He inclined his head toward me reverently, but didn't leave. I could hear his rattled breathing. I would have stayed right there for hours, if it weren't for the arrival of my mother and the couple from outside. I was swept neatly into the room.

Groping hands reached in from every side to pat my shoulder or my cheek. I sidestepped as many hugs as I could, but I couldn't avoid their eyes. Equal parts pity and judgment. Fuck them, I thought, chewing on my lip-ring, and trying to resist the urge to brush the hair out of my eyes. I didn't need their pity or their judgment. I was just fine.

The faces began to blur together. It seemed like time would just stand still. And then I saw my mother gliding toward me with Bobby Jergins in tow. I needed to escape. I ducked my head down and slipped to the front of the room, but it was a close shave.

"Olivia?" I heard my mother calling.

"Not now, Jean-Louise," a sharp, metallic voice responded. "Give the girl some space." Great Aunt Hester to the rescue. The woman was tiny, but she was fierce. "Go ahead, Livvy. Go on." She patted my elbow, since that was as high as she could reach.

I held my breath again as I approached the casket. This was it. No going back. Once I looked at him, it would be real. Was I ready for that? Each step forward was shorter than the one before. I didn't think I was ready. But it was this or face my mother and her latest "match." I'd rather die, I thought, casting an envious glance at the casket again.

I didn't belong in that straight-edged town anyhow. If I could just look, just let him be dead... I could let go. I could move on.

I leaned forward to look inside the casket... and breathed out.

Yoga = revelations of a heroine

Don't ya just love it when you can clear your mind enough to actually hear your thoughts? It's been FOREVER since I attended a yoga class... like, try before Thanksgiving last year...

Photo credit: Lori Marois

and I've been a little under the weather, recently... and more sedentary than usual... I have been feeling the need for a good stretch. So I mustered my motivation and made myself go to the beginner yoga class at the studio down the street from me.

Oh the stretch. I ached for days after. But it was good aching... and I'll be going again tomorrow.

It's good for me to stretch my body and my mind. While I am doing yoga I try to focus on a couple of goals mentally (the poses and the teacher usually do enough for my physical stretching). First, I try to remember to breathe. That's hard for me! I get so tensed up, stressed about doing the pose correctly or about the creaking strain from my muscles uncurling... that I forget the basic concept of breathing... and the thing is that, if I can't remember to breathe, I surely can't quiet my mind...

Which is the second goal I focus on... a quiet mind... that can hear things that I need to hear instead of all the chatterings of anxiety and stress and "shoulds" that crowd in and cause me to forget to breathe :) (It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?). I don't think I usually accomplish either goal satisfactorily. Or at least I haven't yet... but if I don't go to yoga I don't make any progress at all... so going is good... and breathing is good... and then, during the shavasana (my favorite part, at the end) a thought popped into my head about my protagonist, my heroine... the thought that connected her to me in a way I had not considered before... I realized that I want to wake up and discover that I am a warrior, just as she does...

and now I'm ready to begin the first of many re-writes... I have a better understanding of what she needs to become who I want her to be.

Sparks Future: Afghanistan has loquats!

Is there a book or author that changed your world view?

So, I have grown up in a mostly post-Cold War era... I mean, the Cold War was still going on when I was in school, but Gorbachev had already come to power by the time I was in the 5th grade and politically things were moving towards a better peace between the US and the USSR.

By the time I was in the 7th grade, Hussein had invaded Kuwait and we had a new enemy... the Middle East. Not just Hussein, the crazed dictator... the entire Middle East and all of its desert dwelling Muslims. Yep... that's the culture of fear I grew up under.

Whenever I thought of the Middle East (and Afghanistan and Pakistan which are, technically, part of Asia)... I thought of people in turbans with machine guns living in nomadic dwellings in a desert wasteland that was covered with sand and dust and rocks... and nothing else... I'm ashamed to admit that this impression of that "other" part of the world lasted all the way through college!!!

It wasn't like I had never been to the Middle East. I visited Israel with my parents when I was in high school (and again later, after the world view change, thankfully). I ate the fruit and looked at the archaeological sites. And somehow my brain always reset to deserts and machine guns and turbans (there were quite a few machine guns present wherever I happened to look in Israel, granted...).

After college, I moved to LA from my little hometown in Georgia. That move in and of itself began to change my world view. So many cultures directly impacting each other! LA is a place like no other for learning about and experiencing the World right in your own back yard. I miss it...

One friend that I made while I was in LA shared my love of reading, and would exchange books with me frequently. She pulled me out of my world of Arthur and the classics and into the world of best sellers. I can't say I was entirely happy about this, but I was willing to give the books she recommended a try.

One of those books was "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini. An amazing story of the friendship of two boys... so poignant and moving and... hold on... Afghanistan has loquat trees???

That book opened my eyes to the beauty and vibrancy of a region that it had never occurred to me to think of as beautiful or vibrant... and it opened my eyes to the horror that war can wreak on a landscape or a culture... and it reminded me that this world is bigger than my perception of it... I can only hope that those ideas are reflected in the way I interact with the world now and in the future.

Sparks Present: Merlin and Arthurian Legend

What author set off that spark of inspiration for your current Work in Progress?

Strap in, 'cause this story meanders a LOT before I get to the point :)

I think one of the things I like about C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein is their capacity for embracing myth and legend and through that creating something new. As a young reader, I was not exposed to Arthurian legend, although my father was reading Mary Stewart's Merlin Trilogy around that time.

No, my first exposure to Arthur and Merlin came through the lens of fairytale despot of the day... Walt Disney; more specifically, through "The Sword in the Stone". I enjoyed the whimsical plot and characters in my youth, and it must have stuck with me, because in college I began reading Mary Stewart as well... too intrigued, I suppose... I conveniently "borrowed" the book from my Dad... I gave it back eventually!!

I loved Stewart's rendition of the legend of Merlin and Arthur. She made use of a lot of history and grounded that legend so firmly in the past that, to me, it seemed like it could exist! And Merlin fascinated me... the idea that he was a man, not just a cartoon, sort of swept me away.

When I had the chance, I picked up "The Wicked Day"... a follow up to the Merlin Trilogy, chronicling the life of Mordred, Arthur's bastard son by his half sister... and again, Stewart astounded me. Mordred, the villain son who is responsible for his own father's death, became so real in his flawed humanity that I cried for him!

The characters Stewart represented for me sparked a curiosity in me for the legend of Arthur... and so I read "The Once and Future King" by T.H. White and was shocked to find Disney's inspiration for "The Sword in the Stone" in the first part of that 3 part epic volume. It was not quite so cutesy and clean as Disney had made it, but the echo of the story was there, resonating out of my childhood and into the now.

In the second (and decidedly more dark) part of "The Once and Future King", White takes the reader to the Orkney Islands of northern Scotland... where Stewart had taken us to hear about Mordred growing up... I wanted to know more about this haunting, harsh landscape... and so, through the magic of Google, I began researching the Orkneys.

I eventually went there, even!

Yep, this photo is by me :)

I found a land rich with its own folklore and mythology there and an idea that had been swirling around in my brain struck a chord in the landscape and folklore... and sparked a NEW idea... one that I'll hopefully bring to life in full in November, since I've decided that will be my focus for NaNoWriMo.

So there you have it. I must say that's quite a ramble! And it took a few different authors and an entire landscape to get me there, but... sometimes that's what it takes!

Sparks Past: Narnia and the One Ring

What book made you realize you were doomed to be a writer?
I've known that I wanted to write since I was pretty young... the current Work In Progress I have going I started in high school and it was heavily influenced by two works I had experienced at a young age.

When I was a child, my father used to read to me in the evenings... looking back, I realize that didn't last as long as I would have liked... but before evening reading time disappeared, he made it through The Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Chronicles of Narnia.

Between LOTR and Narnia, I think that Narnia had a deeper impact on me... I'm not sure if it was the length of the Chronicles being more accessible at the young age I was first exposed to them... or if it was the character of Aslan, so powerful and reliable (if not "safe")... probably it was the fact that the main characters were children who were sucked into a world beyond their imagining... I always wanted that to happen to me. I would open closets, look under rocks, spend hours wishing to disappear into Narnia and become a queen, ride in a hunt, wield sword or aim a bow...

drawing by Kate "Silverfish" Jennings

I would love to tell you that LOTR and the incredible J.R.R. Tolkein were entirely responsible for my creative bug... I have such high esteem for Tolkein and his amazing world of fantasy. It is, I believe, physically impossible to plumb the depths of the world Tolkein created and find the bottom. I think if the movies had come out when I was still young and impressionable, that would have sealed my fate. But, if Tolkein was going to be trumped by anyone for the place of chief imaginative spark in my life, it could not be anyone better than C.S. Lewis.

Both these authors had a significant impact on the way I conceptualize my fantasy worlds (I'll NEVER write as well, but... hey! A girl's gotta dream!). If you've never read any of the Chronicles, I suggest you give them a try. If you can overlook the heavy allegorical imagery, you're in for a real treat... if you can appreciate the allegory, you're in for double :).

Hmmm... may be time for a re-read... but for now, off to create!

Sparkfest and a rehash of summer goals*

First things first... I'm a follower, for sure, in this world of cyberspace, but you know what they say, Juliemybird? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery :) Through my cool blogging friend, I discovered the Spark Blogfest. Because I know you were wondering, blogfests are an awesome way of networking on-line, in this case with other writers who are also on-line. While they can seem distracting, they actually help you build your follower base, and thus your conversation becomes richer. As we can all see, my conversation needs to become richer!!! Talk to me, people!!!

But back to the Spark Blogfest. The idea is to, over the next couple of days, answer the following 3 questions:

What book made you realize you were doomed to be a writer? 

What author set off that spark of inspiration for your current Work in Progress?

Or, Is there a book or author that changed your world view?

I can't answer those questions immediately because... well, I just can't :) I'm going to have to think about it for a little while and get back to you :) But that means more posting! Which is always good... So be sure to check back later this week (in the next 3 days before Spark Blogfest ends, actually) for an insightful, endearingly ironic post from yours truly.

In other news, re: my writing goals for the summer... I have not done what I might have dreamed here by the end of August 2011... big shocker! But! I have hope! My new plan is to finish my current Work In Progress draft by the end of September. Huge step!!! Draft done means revising can begin! And that's where I'll really have fun, I think. Anyhow, finish by the end of September so that N and I can take a vacation in October (I know, like I need a vacation, but HE does!)... and hopefully I will come back from vacation refreshed and inspired and ready to pound out the first draft of Work In Progress number 2 for NaNoWriMo!! (that's National Novel Writing Month, in case you were wondering... and you should check out their website. It's a pretty cool event/month!)

I can't believe it's already that time of year again! But there you have it! Having a draft done is going to feel SOOooooo good! Now if I can just stop nattering on here long enough to get some work done on it! Wish me luck!

Love and hope to you all!

*Disclaimer: Please ignore the blatant overuse of exclamation points throughout this post. I think I'm trying to work myself into a writer's frenzy :)

Creative space

I know this is a total Proxy project... as Havi would say... maybe it's just downright Avoidance! Who knows? Either way, I hope that it actually helps me move further along towards my super goal of finishing the draft of Novel #1...

Wondering what I'm talking about, eh? Well yesterday I rearranged some furniture... I carved out a, I'm calling it a Workbench, in the dining room (my favorite room in the house)... a place for me to write, or paint, or draw, or even sew (the machine is under the desk). What do you think?

Yay for creative space :)

And yay for sunflowers!

Look how tall!

Tomorrow two amazing friends will be coming for a brief visit... only a couple of days, but it will be SO GOOD to be with them... and then next week I'm driving South with the dog. Eep! At least all those hours I spend in the car I'll have Tag to talk to.

So now I have creative space but no time to use it! Sigh... one of these days...

Ode to Havi, and the freedom to be...

So so thankful to have stumbled 
Upon the blog of one Havi Brooks.
Mostly I just lurk in the shadows... 
soaking up the creative encouragement 
that oozes out of every word,
reveling in the deliciousness of her working vocabulary 
(words like destuckification, biggification, gwish...), 
rejoicing in the Aha! moments her blog inevitably leads me to.

Ok, so maybe not a perfect ode... I'm out of practice. But I wanted to tell you all, anyone who reads what I write here, about how great this blog is for finding the encouragement to power through a project, the courage to face your monsters, and the comfort of knowing that you're not the only person who has ever hit the wall you're currently trying to recover from slamming into. Seriously... I have been marking the days in "ducks"... her little sidekick is a rubber duck, who is the icon on the tab next to the title of the current post... and the number of ducks on my tabs = the amount of encouragement I may or may not need from those posts!

"What brought on this sudden gush?" you ask. Well, like I said, I've been lurking on and off around her site for months... and then yesterday, I read the post "Avoidance! Oh, and getting out of it." And I cried... because here she was, telling me that the guilt, pain, and pressure I've been living under (my own little heavy rock)... the one that says that because I can and will do anything I can to avoid writing must mean I am not supposed to do it... that it's normal! What?!!

"There is a perfectly good reason to avoid the thing that means everything to you — whether it is your art, your writing, your secret mission, your own heart, or whatever.


In fact, avoidance of the thing which has meaning and power for you is the most understandable and normal thing I can think of.


Here is this thing — ohmygod the thing! — that has incalculable symbolic weight for you.


You’re avoiding the thing that’s holding all your dreams? Good grief! Of course you are! That symbolic weight? It’s that much potential for hurt and disappointment."

Wow... and here I'd been telling myself I must not care about it at all... and pulverizing myself into dust for not being more committed, more passionate, more motivated... to which she says:


"If you weren’t avoiding it on some level, I’d be worried about you. If you could do the thing easily and painlessly, without having to spend years and years working on your stuff to get there… I’d probably assume that it didn’t mean everything to you.


It’s not this: “Even though I thought this meant everything to me, I’m still avoiding it so clearly I don’t really care about it.”


It’s this: “Wow, this means everything to me… so of course I’m avoiding it.”


Where things get complicated and tangled.


Where it hurts.


Where it gets tangled up is exactly here. The stuck happens inside of the resistance that you place around the question.


Instead of recognizing your pain, you start to question yourself and your commitment.


Instead of treating your avoidance as a natural sign that this thing is so powerful and so important for you that of course you’re going to run away from it, you give this avoidance the power of truth.


You start to think that if you cared about your dream you’d invest in it, when the truth is that when we really care about our dreams we run away from them in panic and terror.


Until we recognize just how legitimate our fear really is.


Because avoidance is fear’s favorite thing to wear."


This is the point at which I started to cry... because she must be talking directly to ME!!! And yep... it hurts and it's more than a little bit scary... the process of recognition, of facing and defeating your (my) fears.

So here's the thing... my whole life I've been worrying that I need to do things right, better... and that for the most part I've been doing things wrong, otherwise my life would look differently than it does (i.e. I'd be successful... never be depressed... etc...) ... and I've been paralyzed by the inability to allow myself to break things or make messes... because one wrong move could mean disaster (i.e. everyone will see that I've made a mistake).

With writing, this is terrible because... the whole point of the process is that your first drafts (yes, there will be multiple) are not supposed to be perfect, but that every successive draft will get better! Except that I haven't been able to get past the first draft... because it's not already perfect... and because I've been so afraid that I'll fail miserably at being a writer of fiction... afraid that I may already HAVE failed at it... I have been fleeing this project... in earnest for the past year, but really since its conception way back when I was in high school.

And all this time... I've been saying that I must not really care... when in fact it's been one of the deepest desires of my heart. How did she KNOW?

Havi doesn't always have all the answers... let's be honest, if she did we'd all need to camp outside her house and accost her for words of wisdom every time she left to take a walk... and I don't think she'd like that AT ALL... but Havi's blog DOES have a wonderful box of creative tools for working OUT the answers for yourself (myself)... including:

"Some of the “useful questions” that I’ve been working with:


What if I’m allowed to be scared of the things that are meaningful and important to me?
What if there’s an easier way of doing things?
What do I need?
What will help me feel safe and supported?"


Thanks to Havi, now I've recognized that avoidance for what it really IS! And it's not magically better, but at least I make more sense to myself now... and can stop with the pulverizing... until the next time I need to be reminded that avoidance is normal... For now it's enough to remind myself that the things I thought I cared about really are the things I care about! I can stop doubting myself and get down to the business of being me... and facing and defeating my fears. (oh, and writing that novel :))

Baby steps

So progress is progress, right? After a couple of months of shirking, I have finally written a few more pages and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... meaning I have figured out how I want it to end, this WIP (that's Work In Progress for those of you who don't know) I have had hanging over my head for ... well... years, really. It's a mess and whole sections of it will have to be rewritten... but after a brief conversation with Noah last night, I believe I have found my resolution! And that's what counts right now... just getting it written... and then I can spend the NEXT 20 years editing it :)... Actually, it's probably only 15 years... and if you count how many years I spent NOT working on it... it's not really that long at ALL, right? Sigh...

Now if I can just get through the last pages of the beast...

Summer continues to forge ahead in the heat of its glory. And we have red sunflowers now...

and cucumbers and tomatoes...

 And more wildflowers...

And I'm slowly molding my insecurity into something more manageable, or learning to see it for what it really is... baby steps...