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Today is World Vegetarian Day!

Hey everyone! Just a little reminder that today is World Vegetarian Day! Go out and hug a vegetarian if you can! Ha! In honor of the day, I thought I'd link back to a post I wrote last year about my decision to become vegetarian. I would like to point out that, though I think the spirit of the day is presented a little differently on the World Vegetarian Day website, I am in NO WAY trying to make everyone stop eating meat... I'm not on a crusade... there's no judgement of character going on here, just honesty and authenticity.

That said, I would love to hear your thoughts on why you choose (or choose not to) eat meat! So tell me... are you a carnivore?

Geysers are cool

I mean, geysers are SOOO cool!

I spent the last week in/on a super volcano! It's kinda creepy thinking about what made Yellowstone the amazing natural wonder that it is... but millions of years ago, this gigantic volcano exploded, leaving the caldera that forms the valleys, canyons, and peaks of Yellowstone park.

The Yellowstone River as viewed from the brink of Lower Falls

It was... beautiful there. I went to see my friend Lori during her last week as an Interp ranger at Old Faithful... I knew I would enjoy hanging out with her and hiking, but I never anticipated that I would dig geysers so much! Each one has its own personality... from the predictability in timing of to the nature of each eruption... I was duly impressed. Some geysers blow off steam and super heated water for hours... while others barely trickle. Here are some of my favorites:

Sponge: This is an eruption for Sponge geyser...
 Yay Sponge! You erupted! It seems like a lot of effort!

White Dome (in the background):
This geyser erupts every 20 or 30 minutes! The geyser in the foreground
(Great Fountain) is less frequent in its displays

Daisy: This geyser makes a chugging sound like a train during its
steam phase (at the end of the eruption cycle).

Grotto: This geyser has a strange shape, probably due to a tree falling into it
and becoming covered with minerals. It will also erupt for extended periods of time,
sometimes up to 24 hours or longer!!

Old Faithful: Not the biggest or the most dramatic
 geyser in the park, but surely the most predictable.

Beehive: This geyser's eruption is higher than Old Faithful's
and if you stand in just the right spot, you can get soaked by
the water as it falls on the boardwalk!

Castle: This geyser can have a dramatic and lengthy steam phase.

And my favorite, Great Fountain: This geyser has a 4 hour window in which
it may erupt. It begins with a trickle, then starts to roil, and then shoots water sky high!

I was lucky enough to catch a "blue bubble" in Great Fountain. According to the Geyser Observation and Study Association website's page on Great Fountain,

"a Blue Bubble occurs when a calm and still pool of water is domed up by a large expanding steam bubble. As the steam bubble rises and expands, the entire 16 foot wide pool of water is lifted and domed outward creating a beautiful blue bubble. Once the steam reaches the surface the water explodes outward and upward."

Have I geeked out enough for you yet? It was completely amazing!

I also learned that there are people who spend weeks, sometimes the whole summer, watching geysers and reporting via walkie talkie to the Old Faithful visitor center with the time of eruptions. They're called "Geyser Gazers," and they get REALLY excited about geysers... I mean... really. Who knew? (Confession: now that I know that GG's exist... I kinda wanna be one.)

More on Yellowstone later... I still have waterfalls and wildlife to cover! So much packed into one week! For now, it's off to bed with me... although I'll have to snuggle with the dog tonight since Noah has to work the overnight shift in the office. Bah. At least Tag doesn't snore!

NaNoWriMo is 6 weeks away!

First, a BIG thanks for all the positive feedback on my little short from last week. I am so thrilled that you all liked it so much! No, I'm not telling who is in the casket... that's a story that will have to wait for another time... like... after NaNoWriMo...

Eek! I only have 6 weeks to get my act together on my new WIP for National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo). I have a lot going on before then.

I need to get an outline together this time. I want to KNOW where this story is going... at least hypothetically at first... so that I can make an effort to get there. It's a good idea, it just needs some *Ooomph*.

And I'm going to Yellowstone this week! I'm so excited! I've never been to Yellowstone... and since Lori is working there until the end of the month, I thought I'd take the opportunity to see one of the nation's most amazing parks. Oh man. Here we go! There will be tons of pictures that come out of that venture, I hope.

Speaking of this week... On Wednesday (the day I leave for Yellowstone) Emily Suess will announce who the top 10 finalists are for her writing contest from Writers' Week last week. We are all waiting with bated breath... well, at least all of us who entered are. The rest of you could probably care less. But! You should care! There will be on-line voting to determine the winners starting on September 26th. YOU can help decide which entry gets the grand prize.

Dad and Mary in Brooklyn with us for a morning.

I'm not even saying you should vote for me. How could I? We don't even know who the finalists are. But there is some great talent out there, and it deserves your attention. So take some time... visit the writing contest page and check out these entries. Then, if you have time, on September 26th vote for your favorite piece to win.

Ahhh... I'm off now to work on a couple things I need to get done before I leave on Wednesday morning... but first to take the pup for a hike.

Writers' week writing contest entry!

This is my entry for the Writers' Week writing contest:

Just Breathe

"You'd be much more attractive if you'd smile more," my mother nagged, stopping in front of me to straighten my collar and brush a molecule of dust from my skirt, which was far too wrinkly to give away any dust or lint. I sucked in a sharp breath of frustration, held it, and counted to three.

"It's a funeral, ma," I said, rolling my eyes. "We're not supposed to smile." I was sweating profusely, even in the sleeveless black dress I had borrowed from Abby. The mid-summer heat was oppressive.

Mother pursed her lips irritably and pretended she hadn't heard me. "You know, the Jergins's youngest, Bobby, just got back from a tour of duty in Iraq. He'll probably be here today."

"Ma," I pulled my head away from her hand as she reached out to brush my hair out of my eyes. "I used to babysit Bobby. Also, he might not be so keen on me once he hears my political views, or sees my tattoo." I headed up the walk to the funeral home again. Mother followed briskly.

"I've already explained to the Jerginses that you had no idea what that horrible man was tattooing on your body and that you're having it removed as soon as possible."

I stopped abruptly, eyes wide. "What?"

"Well, how do you expect to find a decent husband anywhere with THAT tattooed across your body?" Mother turned away from me and waved at another couple approaching the funeral home.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and walked away again. Almost there. Ten more steps to hell, but at least I wouldn't have to listen to her carry on anymore.

"Welcome, welcome. Thank you for coming," said the ancient doorman. "The Stevenson/Everrett memorial is just down this way. May I take your coat?"

I blinked at the wizened old man curiously. "It's a hundred degrees out."

"Very well. Very well. Right this way, please." He tottered off down the hall. The door closed with a loud WHUMP behind me, causing a giant cloud of dust to rise out of the decades old carpet. I followed him along the dimly lit corridor, painfully self-conscious of my body in a dress, made all the more awkward by the two sizes too big combat boots I insisted on wearing as part of my funeral garb, just to give my mother heart palpitations. Whatever.

I held my breath as I entered the room the doorman showed me to, partly out of anticipation of the waiting crowd of people, and partly to hold off the "old person smell" that I knew would accost me the moment I faced them. With a rustle of whispered sound, I watched as people milled around the rows of seats, giving sympathetic nods to one another, compassionately gripping each others' shoulders or hands.

I stood there in the doorway somewhat reluctantly, the aged doorman swaying beside me like an autumn leaf. "Uh, thanks," I said, nodding at him and clearing my throat. He inclined his head toward me reverently, but didn't leave. I could hear his rattled breathing. I would have stayed right there for hours, if it weren't for the arrival of my mother and the couple from outside. I was swept neatly into the room.

Groping hands reached in from every side to pat my shoulder or my cheek. I sidestepped as many hugs as I could, but I couldn't avoid their eyes. Equal parts pity and judgment. Fuck them, I thought, chewing on my lip-ring, and trying to resist the urge to brush the hair out of my eyes. I didn't need their pity or their judgment. I was just fine.

The faces began to blur together. It seemed like time would just stand still. And then I saw my mother gliding toward me with Bobby Jergins in tow. I needed to escape. I ducked my head down and slipped to the front of the room, but it was a close shave.

"Olivia?" I heard my mother calling.

"Not now, Jean-Louise," a sharp, metallic voice responded. "Give the girl some space." Great Aunt Hester to the rescue. The woman was tiny, but she was fierce. "Go ahead, Livvy. Go on." She patted my elbow, since that was as high as she could reach.

I held my breath again as I approached the casket. This was it. No going back. Once I looked at him, it would be real. Was I ready for that? Each step forward was shorter than the one before. I didn't think I was ready. But it was this or face my mother and her latest "match." I'd rather die, I thought, casting an envious glance at the casket again.

I didn't belong in that straight-edged town anyhow. If I could just look, just let him be dead... I could let go. I could move on.

I leaned forward to look inside the casket... and breathed out.

It's "Writers' Week"

It's Writers' Week over on Suess's Pieces! You should check it out. She's got lots of tips and tricks for writers from other writers! It's going to be an inspirational and informational fun-filled time :) Also, there's a writing contest. Eep! I may actually complete a piece just to be involved. Join me and Emily Suess and stretch your brain a little this week.

In other news, I got pretty much no writing at all done last week. I did have some good learning time during yoga, but no forward movement on the word count. I need to wrap this thing up pretty quickly now! September is flying by, and I want to be ready to work on my Other WIP for NaNoWriMo in November. Gasp!

Goals for this week:
1. Finish knitting wrist warmers to take to Lori next week in Yellowstone
2. Write end sequence for WIP #1
3. Check out books on Kauai from the library (we're going next month! yay!)
4. Write entry for Writers' Week contest
5. Bake something with apples in refrigerator...
6. A new sketch (would be nice)

What are your goals this week?

Yoga = revelations of a heroine

Don't ya just love it when you can clear your mind enough to actually hear your thoughts? It's been FOREVER since I attended a yoga class... like, try before Thanksgiving last year...

Photo credit: Lori Marois

and I've been a little under the weather, recently... and more sedentary than usual... I have been feeling the need for a good stretch. So I mustered my motivation and made myself go to the beginner yoga class at the studio down the street from me.

Oh the stretch. I ached for days after. But it was good aching... and I'll be going again tomorrow.

It's good for me to stretch my body and my mind. While I am doing yoga I try to focus on a couple of goals mentally (the poses and the teacher usually do enough for my physical stretching). First, I try to remember to breathe. That's hard for me! I get so tensed up, stressed about doing the pose correctly or about the creaking strain from my muscles uncurling... that I forget the basic concept of breathing... and the thing is that, if I can't remember to breathe, I surely can't quiet my mind...

Which is the second goal I focus on... a quiet mind... that can hear things that I need to hear instead of all the chatterings of anxiety and stress and "shoulds" that crowd in and cause me to forget to breathe :) (It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?). I don't think I usually accomplish either goal satisfactorily. Or at least I haven't yet... but if I don't go to yoga I don't make any progress at all... so going is good... and breathing is good... and then, during the shavasana (my favorite part, at the end) a thought popped into my head about my protagonist, my heroine... the thought that connected her to me in a way I had not considered before... I realized that I want to wake up and discover that I am a warrior, just as she does...

and now I'm ready to begin the first of many re-writes... I have a better understanding of what she needs to become who I want her to be.

Waiting for a hurricane is kind of dull UPDATED!

Well, I'm not waiting for it anymore... Irene blew through here on Saturday night through Sunday afternoon... and it's Wednesday now... I think...

But Saturday morning/afternoon/evening were a snoozefest! Places were already boarding up and sending people home, so there wasn't much to do. It was dark and threatening rain all day, so we avoided most outdoor activities... We did manage to squeak into the cupcake shop in Bethel to get a few yummies... but they're gone now... I haven't checked to see if they have power again yet.

Speaking of power, we don't have it. Mostly, it's no big deal. During the day we barely run any electric items/appliances anyhow, and leave the lights off in general. And at night we use candles to see... and the stove top is gas... and we have a generator to keep the fridge cool. I even don't mind not being "wired in" mostly (although it makes it kinda hard to let your family know you haven't died in the natural disaster. We haven't). I have been doing a LOT of reading... 800 pages to finish a 1000 page book... second in a series of 5... it's not like I don't have something to keep me busy :)

But the power is a pain for us for one MAJOR reason... the well. Our well pump is electric... and it's non-functional at present. We have been ordering in our drinking water for some time, so that's not too bad to deal with, but... it's exceedingly harder to wash dishes... and impossible to shower... and we're now using water we could be drinking to flush the toilet. I know all that water makes it there eventually... but it sort of burns to bypass the drinking part and just pour it down there...

With the two trees that took down the power lines on our street still sitting in the middle of the road and caution tape, I'm guessing it's going to be a few more days before we get that water pump back up and running. Ugh.

In the meantime... I'll be doing a lot more reading!

UPDATE!!! We got our power back last night! I've never been so happy to be able to flush a toilet in my life :)

Sparks Future: Afghanistan has loquats!

Is there a book or author that changed your world view?

So, I have grown up in a mostly post-Cold War era... I mean, the Cold War was still going on when I was in school, but Gorbachev had already come to power by the time I was in the 5th grade and politically things were moving towards a better peace between the US and the USSR.

By the time I was in the 7th grade, Hussein had invaded Kuwait and we had a new enemy... the Middle East. Not just Hussein, the crazed dictator... the entire Middle East and all of its desert dwelling Muslims. Yep... that's the culture of fear I grew up under.

Whenever I thought of the Middle East (and Afghanistan and Pakistan which are, technically, part of Asia)... I thought of people in turbans with machine guns living in nomadic dwellings in a desert wasteland that was covered with sand and dust and rocks... and nothing else... I'm ashamed to admit that this impression of that "other" part of the world lasted all the way through college!!!

It wasn't like I had never been to the Middle East. I visited Israel with my parents when I was in high school (and again later, after the world view change, thankfully). I ate the fruit and looked at the archaeological sites. And somehow my brain always reset to deserts and machine guns and turbans (there were quite a few machine guns present wherever I happened to look in Israel, granted...).

After college, I moved to LA from my little hometown in Georgia. That move in and of itself began to change my world view. So many cultures directly impacting each other! LA is a place like no other for learning about and experiencing the World right in your own back yard. I miss it...

One friend that I made while I was in LA shared my love of reading, and would exchange books with me frequently. She pulled me out of my world of Arthur and the classics and into the world of best sellers. I can't say I was entirely happy about this, but I was willing to give the books she recommended a try.

One of those books was "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini. An amazing story of the friendship of two boys... so poignant and moving and... hold on... Afghanistan has loquat trees???

That book opened my eyes to the beauty and vibrancy of a region that it had never occurred to me to think of as beautiful or vibrant... and it opened my eyes to the horror that war can wreak on a landscape or a culture... and it reminded me that this world is bigger than my perception of it... I can only hope that those ideas are reflected in the way I interact with the world now and in the future.

Sparks Present: Merlin and Arthurian Legend

What author set off that spark of inspiration for your current Work in Progress?

Strap in, 'cause this story meanders a LOT before I get to the point :)

I think one of the things I like about C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein is their capacity for embracing myth and legend and through that creating something new. As a young reader, I was not exposed to Arthurian legend, although my father was reading Mary Stewart's Merlin Trilogy around that time.

No, my first exposure to Arthur and Merlin came through the lens of fairytale despot of the day... Walt Disney; more specifically, through "The Sword in the Stone". I enjoyed the whimsical plot and characters in my youth, and it must have stuck with me, because in college I began reading Mary Stewart as well... too intrigued, I suppose... I conveniently "borrowed" the book from my Dad... I gave it back eventually!!

I loved Stewart's rendition of the legend of Merlin and Arthur. She made use of a lot of history and grounded that legend so firmly in the past that, to me, it seemed like it could exist! And Merlin fascinated me... the idea that he was a man, not just a cartoon, sort of swept me away.

When I had the chance, I picked up "The Wicked Day"... a follow up to the Merlin Trilogy, chronicling the life of Mordred, Arthur's bastard son by his half sister... and again, Stewart astounded me. Mordred, the villain son who is responsible for his own father's death, became so real in his flawed humanity that I cried for him!

The characters Stewart represented for me sparked a curiosity in me for the legend of Arthur... and so I read "The Once and Future King" by T.H. White and was shocked to find Disney's inspiration for "The Sword in the Stone" in the first part of that 3 part epic volume. It was not quite so cutesy and clean as Disney had made it, but the echo of the story was there, resonating out of my childhood and into the now.

In the second (and decidedly more dark) part of "The Once and Future King", White takes the reader to the Orkney Islands of northern Scotland... where Stewart had taken us to hear about Mordred growing up... I wanted to know more about this haunting, harsh landscape... and so, through the magic of Google, I began researching the Orkneys.

I eventually went there, even!

Yep, this photo is by me :)

I found a land rich with its own folklore and mythology there and an idea that had been swirling around in my brain struck a chord in the landscape and folklore... and sparked a NEW idea... one that I'll hopefully bring to life in full in November, since I've decided that will be my focus for NaNoWriMo.

So there you have it. I must say that's quite a ramble! And it took a few different authors and an entire landscape to get me there, but... sometimes that's what it takes!

Sparks Past: Narnia and the One Ring

What book made you realize you were doomed to be a writer?
I've known that I wanted to write since I was pretty young... the current Work In Progress I have going I started in high school and it was heavily influenced by two works I had experienced at a young age.

When I was a child, my father used to read to me in the evenings... looking back, I realize that didn't last as long as I would have liked... but before evening reading time disappeared, he made it through The Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Chronicles of Narnia.

Between LOTR and Narnia, I think that Narnia had a deeper impact on me... I'm not sure if it was the length of the Chronicles being more accessible at the young age I was first exposed to them... or if it was the character of Aslan, so powerful and reliable (if not "safe")... probably it was the fact that the main characters were children who were sucked into a world beyond their imagining... I always wanted that to happen to me. I would open closets, look under rocks, spend hours wishing to disappear into Narnia and become a queen, ride in a hunt, wield sword or aim a bow...

drawing by Kate "Silverfish" Jennings

I would love to tell you that LOTR and the incredible J.R.R. Tolkein were entirely responsible for my creative bug... I have such high esteem for Tolkein and his amazing world of fantasy. It is, I believe, physically impossible to plumb the depths of the world Tolkein created and find the bottom. I think if the movies had come out when I was still young and impressionable, that would have sealed my fate. But, if Tolkein was going to be trumped by anyone for the place of chief imaginative spark in my life, it could not be anyone better than C.S. Lewis.

Both these authors had a significant impact on the way I conceptualize my fantasy worlds (I'll NEVER write as well, but... hey! A girl's gotta dream!). If you've never read any of the Chronicles, I suggest you give them a try. If you can overlook the heavy allegorical imagery, you're in for a real treat... if you can appreciate the allegory, you're in for double :).

Hmmm... may be time for a re-read... but for now, off to create!

Sparkfest and a rehash of summer goals*

First things first... I'm a follower, for sure, in this world of cyberspace, but you know what they say, Juliemybird? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery :) Through my cool blogging friend, I discovered the Spark Blogfest. Because I know you were wondering, blogfests are an awesome way of networking on-line, in this case with other writers who are also on-line. While they can seem distracting, they actually help you build your follower base, and thus your conversation becomes richer. As we can all see, my conversation needs to become richer!!! Talk to me, people!!!

But back to the Spark Blogfest. The idea is to, over the next couple of days, answer the following 3 questions:

What book made you realize you were doomed to be a writer? 

What author set off that spark of inspiration for your current Work in Progress?

Or, Is there a book or author that changed your world view?

I can't answer those questions immediately because... well, I just can't :) I'm going to have to think about it for a little while and get back to you :) But that means more posting! Which is always good... So be sure to check back later this week (in the next 3 days before Spark Blogfest ends, actually) for an insightful, endearingly ironic post from yours truly.

In other news, re: my writing goals for the summer... I have not done what I might have dreamed here by the end of August 2011... big shocker! But! I have hope! My new plan is to finish my current Work In Progress draft by the end of September. Huge step!!! Draft done means revising can begin! And that's where I'll really have fun, I think. Anyhow, finish by the end of September so that N and I can take a vacation in October (I know, like I need a vacation, but HE does!)... and hopefully I will come back from vacation refreshed and inspired and ready to pound out the first draft of Work In Progress number 2 for NaNoWriMo!! (that's National Novel Writing Month, in case you were wondering... and you should check out their website. It's a pretty cool event/month!)

I can't believe it's already that time of year again! But there you have it! Having a draft done is going to feel SOOooooo good! Now if I can just stop nattering on here long enough to get some work done on it! Wish me luck!

Love and hope to you all!

*Disclaimer: Please ignore the blatant overuse of exclamation points throughout this post. I think I'm trying to work myself into a writer's frenzy :)

Why yes, I do admire you...

It's so much easier to say that sort of thing on the internet than it is in person... for one thing, the odds of my being face to face with Keith Miller, author of "The Book of Flying", are pretty slim... and for another... it's less likely that, when I admit my admiration, you will be able to hear the bottom fall out of my stomach or see/feel the sweat of my palms... thus I keep my dignity, yes?

All this gushing was brought about by a post on Mr. Miller's blog recording a review he received for "The Book of Flying". One of my favorite parts of "The Book..." was the poetic rhythm of Mr. Miller's prose; his alliteration and imagery delighted me! So, when the reviewer said "beautiful writing can be an end unto itself..." I could not help but add a resounding YES!

And now I'm embarrassed... but, hidden behind a computer screen it's less likely to show... although... here I am posting about it. Oh well.

If you've never read "The Book of Flying", by Keith Miller, and if you are a fan of fantasy like I am, I highly recommend that you pick the book up right away. You will be enchanted, to say the least. Then, hop on over to Mr. Miller's blog and learn more! And tell him what an amazing writer you think he is!

I went on a road trip

Over the past 10 days I drove South (and then North again) to visit family and friends. Noah had to work, so I loaded up the dog and he kept me company during the trip. I saw friends from high school, from my Asbury Hills camp days, and my family. Between driving, visiting, and eating there was little time for blogging. I did, however, manage to take a few photos for your pleasure.

Days before my road trip these fantastic friends came to visit.

Daughter of two of my great friends from Asbury Hills. Isn't she a doll?

Tag did so good with the kiddos!

Flowers for the puppy.

I love this tree and its roots!

Some interesting graffiti... food for thought...

Here is a sampling of my family.

The grandparents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary the weekend I was there.

Us grandkids (not everyone was present).

My aunt had us all make a square for this quilt she stitched. (see mine bottom center :))

Family!

I had a really good time hanging out with people. We ate tons of good food, and the large majority of it was vegetarian! I'm so thankful and proud of my family for being willing and able to pull that off. :)

Tag, of course, was a huge success overall. He charmed everyone with his dashing good looks and his lovable personality. He was very tolerant of all the children we came in contact with (yay!) and seemed to handle the changing scenery well. I will definitely take him on more road trips. Too fun!

Now that I'm back, I hope I will have some time to write and renewed energy and focus towards meeting at least one of my summer writing goals. I am so close I can taste it!!!

Tag, happy to be home after a long journey.

Creative space

I know this is a total Proxy project... as Havi would say... maybe it's just downright Avoidance! Who knows? Either way, I hope that it actually helps me move further along towards my super goal of finishing the draft of Novel #1...

Wondering what I'm talking about, eh? Well yesterday I rearranged some furniture... I carved out a, I'm calling it a Workbench, in the dining room (my favorite room in the house)... a place for me to write, or paint, or draw, or even sew (the machine is under the desk). What do you think?

Yay for creative space :)

And yay for sunflowers!

Look how tall!

Tomorrow two amazing friends will be coming for a brief visit... only a couple of days, but it will be SO GOOD to be with them... and then next week I'm driving South with the dog. Eep! At least all those hours I spend in the car I'll have Tag to talk to.

So now I have creative space but no time to use it! Sigh... one of these days...

Ode to Havi, and the freedom to be...

So so thankful to have stumbled 
Upon the blog of one Havi Brooks.
Mostly I just lurk in the shadows... 
soaking up the creative encouragement 
that oozes out of every word,
reveling in the deliciousness of her working vocabulary 
(words like destuckification, biggification, gwish...), 
rejoicing in the Aha! moments her blog inevitably leads me to.

Ok, so maybe not a perfect ode... I'm out of practice. But I wanted to tell you all, anyone who reads what I write here, about how great this blog is for finding the encouragement to power through a project, the courage to face your monsters, and the comfort of knowing that you're not the only person who has ever hit the wall you're currently trying to recover from slamming into. Seriously... I have been marking the days in "ducks"... her little sidekick is a rubber duck, who is the icon on the tab next to the title of the current post... and the number of ducks on my tabs = the amount of encouragement I may or may not need from those posts!

"What brought on this sudden gush?" you ask. Well, like I said, I've been lurking on and off around her site for months... and then yesterday, I read the post "Avoidance! Oh, and getting out of it." And I cried... because here she was, telling me that the guilt, pain, and pressure I've been living under (my own little heavy rock)... the one that says that because I can and will do anything I can to avoid writing must mean I am not supposed to do it... that it's normal! What?!!

"There is a perfectly good reason to avoid the thing that means everything to you — whether it is your art, your writing, your secret mission, your own heart, or whatever.


In fact, avoidance of the thing which has meaning and power for you is the most understandable and normal thing I can think of.


Here is this thing — ohmygod the thing! — that has incalculable symbolic weight for you.


You’re avoiding the thing that’s holding all your dreams? Good grief! Of course you are! That symbolic weight? It’s that much potential for hurt and disappointment."

Wow... and here I'd been telling myself I must not care about it at all... and pulverizing myself into dust for not being more committed, more passionate, more motivated... to which she says:


"If you weren’t avoiding it on some level, I’d be worried about you. If you could do the thing easily and painlessly, without having to spend years and years working on your stuff to get there… I’d probably assume that it didn’t mean everything to you.


It’s not this: “Even though I thought this meant everything to me, I’m still avoiding it so clearly I don’t really care about it.”


It’s this: “Wow, this means everything to me… so of course I’m avoiding it.”


Where things get complicated and tangled.


Where it hurts.


Where it gets tangled up is exactly here. The stuck happens inside of the resistance that you place around the question.


Instead of recognizing your pain, you start to question yourself and your commitment.


Instead of treating your avoidance as a natural sign that this thing is so powerful and so important for you that of course you’re going to run away from it, you give this avoidance the power of truth.


You start to think that if you cared about your dream you’d invest in it, when the truth is that when we really care about our dreams we run away from them in panic and terror.


Until we recognize just how legitimate our fear really is.


Because avoidance is fear’s favorite thing to wear."


This is the point at which I started to cry... because she must be talking directly to ME!!! And yep... it hurts and it's more than a little bit scary... the process of recognition, of facing and defeating your (my) fears.

So here's the thing... my whole life I've been worrying that I need to do things right, better... and that for the most part I've been doing things wrong, otherwise my life would look differently than it does (i.e. I'd be successful... never be depressed... etc...) ... and I've been paralyzed by the inability to allow myself to break things or make messes... because one wrong move could mean disaster (i.e. everyone will see that I've made a mistake).

With writing, this is terrible because... the whole point of the process is that your first drafts (yes, there will be multiple) are not supposed to be perfect, but that every successive draft will get better! Except that I haven't been able to get past the first draft... because it's not already perfect... and because I've been so afraid that I'll fail miserably at being a writer of fiction... afraid that I may already HAVE failed at it... I have been fleeing this project... in earnest for the past year, but really since its conception way back when I was in high school.

And all this time... I've been saying that I must not really care... when in fact it's been one of the deepest desires of my heart. How did she KNOW?

Havi doesn't always have all the answers... let's be honest, if she did we'd all need to camp outside her house and accost her for words of wisdom every time she left to take a walk... and I don't think she'd like that AT ALL... but Havi's blog DOES have a wonderful box of creative tools for working OUT the answers for yourself (myself)... including:

"Some of the “useful questions” that I’ve been working with:


What if I’m allowed to be scared of the things that are meaningful and important to me?
What if there’s an easier way of doing things?
What do I need?
What will help me feel safe and supported?"


Thanks to Havi, now I've recognized that avoidance for what it really IS! And it's not magically better, but at least I make more sense to myself now... and can stop with the pulverizing... until the next time I need to be reminded that avoidance is normal... For now it's enough to remind myself that the things I thought I cared about really are the things I care about! I can stop doubting myself and get down to the business of being me... and facing and defeating my fears. (oh, and writing that novel :))